i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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