I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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