I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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