I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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