I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think my moral compass just broke
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
