Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
