Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
