We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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