I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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