There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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