last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Success! We fucked roommates!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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