Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
