Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
