I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
