If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
