Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
