I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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