bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
