Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
