Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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