I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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