Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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