Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
