On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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