Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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