im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
