You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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