Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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