when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
