Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
