I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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