I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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