dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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