hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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