I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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