I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
