I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
