question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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