so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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