i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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