We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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