I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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