You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
