Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
