She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
