Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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