Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
