you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
