My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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