so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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