I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
someone owes me an orgasm
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
