some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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