Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
