Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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