This is not my ceiling
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
