just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
