so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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